The Rug from the Living Room

Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 1:15 pm

They had been fighting for months over who got the rug from the living room.

Neither of them really cared about the rug.

But neither of them really wanted to let go.

Legendary Emcee Joined: 16 Dec 2008 Posts: 1218

I dig I dig this. So the underlying meaning is great. It's short and simple real nice. Only negative comment is the structure is mad ugly but that's superficial. nice piece!

Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 11:09 am

so simple but delievers the message perfectly! great piece!

Self-Destruction Joined: 16 Dec 2008 Posts: 222

wow i kind of slept on this for a while, but i like it a lot. good message, and i like the minimalist style. it definitely works for what you're trying to say. good job

newbie Joined: 03 May 2009 Posts: 14 Location: above you

Not to sound repetitive... but yeah, I dug how you captured so much in such a small space.

I can build a story from just those three lines.. the ending of the relationship, the unwillingness to let go, holding on to the one thread that ties their fabric together. Other writers take 30 lines to do what you did in 3.

I went back and forth as to whether that first line would be more effective if broken into two lines (after the word 'months').. less for structural reasons and more to provide a break for the reader to accept 'fighting for months' as something normal... before they get the shift to 'over the rug from the living room' as not something necessarily 'normal'. I donno. I don't think it really matters either way... just my thought while reading.

Posted: Sun Feb 28, 2010 2:36 pm

in perspective, people would read this and not think of it as poetry but think of it as a simple statement, but this was almost like a punchline that goes over heads, there's so much detail in three sentances, and its not like you crammed it all together, you let it flow and transform and it ended up as quotables. Good piece vis, my bad i been slepping on poetry for a quick minute.

Legendary Emcee Joined: 29 May 2006 Posts: 3448

lol -_-

Posted: Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:31 pm

mariposa wrote:

Not to sound repetitive... but yeah, I dug how you captured so much in such a small space.

I can build a story from just those three lines.. the ending of the relationship, the unwillingness to let go, holding on to the one thread that ties their fabric together. Other writers take 30 lines to do what you did in 3.

I went back and forth as to whether that first line would be more effective if broken into two lines (after the word 'months').. less for structural reasons and more to provide a break for the reader to accept 'fighting for months' as something normal... before they get the shift to 'over the rug from the living room' as not something necessarily 'normal'. I donno. I don't think it really matters either way... just my thought while reading.

I understand what youre saying but I liked the way it worked without a break. I felt like adding any breaks would make it seem too dramatic and I wanted to do this in the most simple fashion- no vocab, no dramatic timing, just it is what it is. Adding the break would have made this poem completely different, and I suppose it would still be just as good a poem, but it wouldnt be the poem I wanted it to be.