Esprit de Corps

Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:38 am

Let’s ameliorate the nature of our faith
erase the factors that exasperate
coffee-stained magazines and inexplicable paintings
latent dictatorships and segregating
disparaging tv-shows, invisible egalitarianism
schism about the differences of living
intimidating, megalomaniac clerics
authorities with predicated merits
All of this will perish if it imperils
our holistic power over the conservative decrepit
who consider ethical what they believe is legit
sentimental discernment is now rigid
completely modified by the Jesus-mimics
stop being too timid to test your limits
times will change but what remains is vestiges
a message for the oncoming generations
to remember to criticize the most flawless nation
It’s so easy to make ’morality’ intangible but
carrying a cross doesn’t mean one’s infallible, thus
there’s room for individual decisions, for intuition
only visionaries can escape this fictitious prison.

Posted: Sun Feb 28, 2010 2:45 pm

i missed this hard, i liked this piece better then your other recent poems even though i love everyone that you put out, but this one had more of a rhyme to it then the other ones, i don't know if maybe its just the accent that you have or what in the other pieces but this one flowed perfectly, again, the vast vocabulary really opened up a word of images and what not, keep dropping spoof.

newbie Joined: 03 May 2009 Posts: 14 Location: above you

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, huh? lol. This was a reality check to the evening news and the status quo all rolled into one. I'm reading everyone in here for the first time and just by this piece alone I can see you have a great grasp of language and the ability to weave words in a way that doesn't sacrifice significance for rhyme scheme.

So many different angles you went at in this... and I've seen people do that before with critical pieces such as this is... but it was done in a way that it didn't seem like you were just all over the place. The thread was still there throughout, the general sense of wool over the eyes and sheep that follow the flock, led by less than worthy shepherds.

I dig your style. Rhyme is never something I've been able to accomplish well... but this was nice. Didn't seem forced whatsoever.

Looking forward to checking out some more of your work.

Posted: Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:33 pm

Thanks for the shout out on the last line. Wink

Seriously though, the last 5 lines or so were awesome, and the flow of the whole piece was really well put together.

Posted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 5:33 pm

I'm greatful for the thorough and succinct feedback everyone!

upping!

Self-Destruction Joined: 16 Dec 2008 Posts: 222

great stuff as usual. i just finished reading v for vendetta, and there were a lot of parts of this piece that reminded me of it. this was definitely one of your deeper pieces, and i had to read through twice to really get the message. this is amazing, great work spoof

Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2010 11:14 am

thanks fam! I haven't read V For Vendetta but the movie is definetily one of my favorites! I don't write my pieces based on a movie though Wink

upping!

Legendary Emcee Joined: 16 Dec 2008 Posts: 1220

digging the rhymes on this. Also not saying this is bad, but at times it seems you're overwhelming the reader with so many multi-syllable words.

Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:54 pm

haha I can't help myself Laughing

but thanks Yandy Smile

still upping for this!